Excerpt Poem

BY Anupama Pilbrow

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Excerpt from Sometimes I'd Like to Die and Climb Inside You Poem





One evening we discover his body

is --–– a dual sim phone with space

on the inside for ––—–––-–– but

we do not know —––– -– -– and we

are searching for some evidence

of this phenomenon occurring –

––– –––– ––– ––––––-–– ––– –-––-––

––––-––. It isn’t an accident that we

are making this discovery for some

time I have been thinking and

dreaming and feeling that ––––– -–

––—–––-–– ––––– –– ––—–––-–– –––

––-–– ––––– and feeling an out-of-

body itchiness reaching and

reaching to find the location

where I can scratch it. We start the

search on the outside ––––––-––

–-––––– -––– ––––– –-–––– –––––

looking for the itch mapping the

external body I am the one feeling

the itch and he is not noticing it so

much and we both are feeling ––

–––-––– about geometry of skin

and bones and —–––. The driving

force of course is my love and also

–-– love ––– —– looking for a

method to feel true at oneness I

want to scratch his body and feel

the itch –––– in my own and I –—

–––-––– –– think of hypothetical

moments in our future when we

can find the location of the itch I

am thinking when he scratches on

the itch it will wake me up out of

even the deepest sleep and I will

feel alert like I have been –––––––

-––– a new –—––––––– of body and

reality. We are spending days and

weeks looking all over the surface

and thinking oh the human body is

so vast and how much skin is there

–– –––– ––– ––— stretchy is it

really how wide ––– -– –– ––--––

––– —––– -– ––– ––—–––-–––

–––—––– ––– loose and taut

measures of area. I am always

commenting on the softness and

smoothness and beauty of his

–––– and we are both feeling

stumped by the itch because we

are thinking is there –––––-–– we

could have missed in all these

years? We are not finding the

location and —– are at a loss I am

growing itchier by the minute and

feeling –– –––– ––––––––-––

overcoming me and both of us

and I am declaring a new

expedition to discover —–––– —–

-––– –-—– ––--––. What was taking

weeks now takes double weeks I

am taking a magnifying glass on

each inspection and searching

searching using my eyes until they

are sore from always looking at

the uniform and perfect skin which

is –– -–––––-–-– –––-–—-–––– and

free of any itchiness free of any

hidden ––––––. My eyes are

feeling sore and crying the itch is

becoming ––-––––––-– even he is

feeling it now deeply

uncomfortable and we are trying

to locate the coordinates of it I am

–––--–– now with the itch itself a

high stakes ––—– –– Marco Polo in

a vast ocean and he is feeling it

too we are closing in on it

unmistakeably and we find after

––—– —––– ––––-–-–– ––––– ––––

have passed it is in the chest

cavity. It is hiding in there inside a

lung leaping from left to right side

of the body in irregular -––––––-–

––-– staying still long enough to

cause a stinging and irresistible

discomfort and we are ––––– ––

––– ––––-–– –––-–– –– -––– -–

–––––––-–– ––– ––––– ––—

confusing ourselves with

wondering how to get at it. I am

thinking all types of disturbing

––-––– -—––-–-–– ––— sword

swallowers can scratch in places

forbidden to most ––— the

solution may need to be so

–-—--––-– surgical. And when we

are giving up or so close to it –––

–-—––– unable to sit down or sit

––--- because the itch itself is now

unbearable I am feeling struck on

the head --–– –– -–––-–––-–– –– –– –

––––– –––— ––– –––––– and I am

realising it is so –-—–-–. I ask him

to sit still upon the edge of a chair

so I can brace my one hand on his

back and even though he is so

itchy I am asking for him to not

moving and he is looking in my

eyes and I ––––– ––––––– ––– –––––

––– –-–– -–. There is the itch. And I

am scratching it. And then I am

scratching it and I am –––-––-––

and ––---–– up ––---–– into his chest

until I am in the location of the itch

and my own body is disappeared

and it feels like lying in a warm

bath without having a body and I

am saying without saying my

goodness this is delightful and he

is agreeing. I am become the -–––

and I am so hiding and so hidden

and I am feeling --–– - –––-– ––––

––––––– until he is taking me back

out –––-– ––– looking at me and

we are –––– –––--–– so surprised

we were not thinking all this was

––––-–-– ––––– ––– constraints ––––-–-– ––

––-– place where we are living and

I am resuming —– bodliness –––

—– ––– looking at each other

smiling smiling I am not realising

–––-- I am saying it oh you must put

me back I wish I –––-– –––– -– –––––

––––––– and forever -– has

becoming a certain secret thing

between us I am spending time

there when I need – ––––-– –––

sometimes he is feeling itchy there

and I am ––-–– -– there to scratch

the itch and we ––– shamelessly

–-––––-–– the laws of nature and on

—– –––––– –– –-––– –––––-–-–– –––––

- put up a hammock and - –—

–-––-–– ––––– with a ukelele which

was already in there –––– -– defying

–-- –-–– and it is so uncertain and

un–––––––-– we are not –––--––

––—––––––-– telling our friends –––

-– -–so convenient –––––--– -– travel

costs and we are ending up so

accustomed to it and after a little

while —––– - –— getting quite

good at -–-–– -– ––– ––——––– and

relaxing all my physical

boundaries we eventually –––

–––– -–– —– try out moving a few

of his toes and sometimes I am

even in charge of shaking hands

or undoing his ––––-–––– and he is

taking little rest ––– –––– when I

am each time coming out –––-–

we two are feeling so overjoyed

and full of life because at the end

of all our searching expeditioning

we have journeyed and found the

place we were seeking.

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Anupama Pilbrow is the Reviews Editor at Cordite Poetry Review. She is a PhD student at the University of New South Wales researching early science fiction and representations of water. She is the author of chapbook Body Poems, released as part of the deciBels 3 series (Vagabond 2018).